Author: Brian Thomsen
Published: August 1996

I must admit I’ve been dreading the day when I’d have to pick up this book, the second full-length novel by TSR manager Brian Thomsen. I described Thomsen’s first Realms novel as “not just the worst Forgotten Realms novel I’ve ever read, but the worst published novel I’ve ever read, full stop,” and I meant every word. I have read and reviewed over seventy of these books so far, including several remarkably terrible ones, and Once Around the Realms was the only one that I couldn’t bring myself to finish. It was bad on a different plane from all the others — bloviating prose, self-congratulatory “humour,” loathsome characters, scores of jarring real-world references, and a thin excuse for a plot. I could not find a single aspect of it that I enjoyed, and even getting halfway through was an exhausting experience.

So how, I wondered, am I going to work up the energy to tackle its sequel? Judging by Thomsen’s subsequent short stories in Realms of Magic and Realms of the Underdark, his writing hasn’t improved over time. Improving one’s writing skills takes serious self-criticism and self-awareness, but Thomsen doesn’t come off as the kind of person who did that sort of introspection. We can’t hope that the plot will be original; whereas his first book was a clumsy pastiche of Jules Verne’s Around the World in Eighty Days, the title of this one indicates that it’s riffing on the swashbuckling adventure stories of Alexandre Dumas. It stars the same two unendurable characters from the first book, so there’s no hope from that quarter either. And what was I supposed to say about Thomsen’s writing that I haven’t already said? I feel that all my points have been fully made, and there’s nothing new for me to add.

Thoughts such as these filled me with dread for some weeks, and I found myself subconsciously seeking any excuse to avoid picking up The Mage in the Iron Mask and getting started on this review. But then one day, it struck me… why don’t I just not read the book? This isn’t my full-time job, after all. Nobody’s paying me to do this. If I’ve already lost a few fingers by sticking my hand in a running lawnmower, why would I deliberately stick my hand in there a second time to see if it’s still sharp?

Immediately, a great weight was lifted from my heart. Outside, the clouds parted and the sun warmed the good earth. Chirping birds gathered on my balcony to harmonize with me as I burst into song. I immediately started planning an afternoon where I’d do all of the things I’d rather do with the hours I saved by not reading The Mage in the Iron Mask. In lieu of a review, here’s a full report on what I did instead!

1. Played with a dog

Many scientific studies have shown that performing bonding activities with pets is directly linked to decreases in blood pressure, cholesterol levels, triglyceride levels, loneliness, anxiety, symptoms of PTSD, and cognitive loss from age. So what better way to start my Mage in the Iron Mask-free time than romping around with a happy dog? After twenty minutes, I had a feeling of physical well-being from the exercise and mental well-being from the unalloyed love and companionship of a faithful friend, neither of which I would have gotten had I been reading this book.

2. Stopped for a coffee

What better way to relax afterwards than with a homemade cappuccino and a light snack? Inhaling the heady aroma of coffee mixed with freshly frothed milk, I was reminded of the many simple pleasures one can experience in life when one is not forcing oneself to read a bad novel out of a sense of obligation. Plus, cookies! Hooray!

3. Went for a walk

Regular walking is widely known to be an effective defense against depression, heart disease, obesity, and, according to a 2017 study, even cancer. The scientific literature is less clear on the health effects of reading The Mage in the Iron Mask, but I suspect that studies would link it to depression and anxiety. Instead, I took a brisk walk in the sunshine. It yielded both exercise and social interaction, as I stopped to speak with a few passersby who wanted to pet my dog.

4. Had a short nap

There’s nothing in the world more relaxing than a short afternoon nap on the couch! I wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket and peaced out for about twenty or thirty minutes. When I awoke, I felt refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of the day. My mood improved even further upon remembering how nothing I was going to tackle for the rest of the day involved The Mage in the Iron Mask.

5. Read a good book

I curled up on the couch with a used hardcover copy of The Path Between the Seas by David McCullough, a history of the building of the Panama Canal which had been sitting unread on my desk for a couple of months. I’m only a few chapters in, but so far it’s been a gripping real-life tale of hubris and folly. I’m looking forward to reading more of it with the time that I won’t be spending writing a review of The Mage in the Iron Mask!

All in all, it was an excellent afternoon and I felt thoroughly enriched and invigorated by the end. If you’re thinking of reading The Mage in the Iron Mask, why not reconsider and try one or more of these activities instead?

Conclusion

Grade: No.

I’ve been aiming for an exaggerated, tongue-in-cheek tone for this post, but the basic premise is quite real. I knew that reading this book would be both unpleasant and tedious, without even the consolation of “at least I’ll have something interesting to write about afterwards!” that’s gotten me through so many other bad novels, and a quick skim through it confirmed my fears. I hate to disappoint anyone who came here looking for a wry evisceration, but there are only so many hours in my finite life and I’ve already spent enough of them talking about Brian Thomsen’s prose. There’s nothing more to say.

Next up: an actual review!